Conflict and communication continue to be two of the biggest factors in relationship issues and failure.
While varying communication styles is certainly an issue, misinterpretation and assumptions are greater issues. We assume our spouse knows what we need or should know.
For example, A statement such as “I’m tired of this” can be interpreted, or misinterpreted many different ways depending on tone, conversation topic, state of a #relationship, etc. If a #couple’s relationship is in a rocky, unstable condition, a spouse could immediately assume "I'm tired of this" means they no longer want the relationship, when in reality they may simply mean I no longer want to argue.
My husband and I have experienced many tense conflicts in our marriage where things were said in the wrong tone, at the wrong time. These interactions led to hurt feelings and confusion that had to be healed through apologies, forgiveness, and #reconciliation. Michael and I eventually committed to becoming better communicators by listening for understanding, seeking clarity and learning how to effectively resolve conflict.
True Story
One time, Michael and I were having a counseling session with a #marriage mentor about an unresolved conflict. Michael proceeded to express his opinion about my thoughts on the matter. The #marriage mentor asked Michael how did he know those were my thoughts. Without hesitation, Michael confidently replied, I just know that’s what she was thinking. I chimed in to inform him that wasn’t what I was thinking at all. As we discussed the issue, we realized we both had made assumptions that were incorrect. What once seemed like an unsolvable #conflict was now on the cusp of being amiably resolved by dispelling the assumptions.
Our marriage mentor asked each of us to ask probing, non-defensive questions to ensure we fully understand each other’s statements, behaviors, needs, expectations, etc. Since that session years ago, this advice has served us well. There have been times where we reminded each other that we shouldn’t make assumptions, thus prompting us to dig deeper to gain better understanding.
I recently learned another strategy to improve our communication and conflict resolution skills. Whenever we are talking, I plan to use the question: What does that mean, to clarify any fuzzy communications to ensure you fully grasp what the other person is saying. By human nature, we tend to listen to defend, instead of listening to understand. Going forward, if you put into practice being quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to anger, we all can immediately improve our communication and reduce misinterpretations and assumptions. Have the courage to ask: What Does That Mean?
Alicia T. Clinton is an author, marriage coach, motivational speyaker and freelance professional writer She has hosted many empowerment conferences and workshops to empower people to live their best lives now.
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